"most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be"

_Abraham Lincoln_

takin a break[!]

ii always say that iim going to take a break. but this time ii really have to. ii haven't spoken to any of my friends or "friends" since Saturday night. . . wellz except Sunday ii did go over to Nneks' house for her birthday kiccbacc. cuz ii just can't be an azz & not go to that. & ii had to give her her gift. she's a great friend!

anywho. . . ii just gotta have time for myself. thee whole incident [[see blog entry b4 last]] just has made meeh skeptical of a lot of thyngs. that includes pple too. so iim just distancing myself for now. don't need anymore outside forces bothering meeh or serving as a distraction or causing meeh to question anything. ii can only fukk wit family & [him] for right now. cuz those are thee only relationships that aren't putting any stress on meeh. ii rilly appreciate having them in my lyfe. & ii thynk this tyme should just be used to focus on strengthening those relationships and focusing on skool & just doing for me for once. ii try to do for others way too much. & iive always felt lyke that wud give meeh good karma & would be for thee good. however, ii swear ii have thee worst luck ever & random stupid shyt just continually happens. so iive decided that for a while iim gonna be selfish. worry bout meeh. & deal with those who truly worry about meeh too. anythyng else is too damaging for me right now. & ii refuse to go thru any of thee depression help shyt. no meds. no doctors. they all added to the damages. iim focused on certain thyngs right now. & that's just gonna have to remain until ii have found my mind/soul/heart again. . .

chercher mon âme...
_kii_

the real

"so what's thee difference between rap & hip-hop?!?

it's simple. . .
it's lyke thee difference between
saying you love somebody
& being in love with somebody

it's just a word!"

_brown sugar_

in spite of what iim goin thru

chercher mon âme...
_kii_

iive officially lost my mind [smh]

& ii def need to fynd it ASAP!!

it was saturday nite/sunday morn [ya kno basically n thee am of thee nite]. & ii was driving. got on thee fwy & just couldn't stop driving. on thee 110. then it ended. & iim just still going. it was like ii was possessed or something. ii cudn't c. ii just really remembered being in DA one moment then thee next ii was sitting in front of the ocean by thee cabrillo aquarium. . . smh my azz was gonna drive into the dayum ocean. ii was just so thru. so tired. so ready to go. right as ii began to drive forward my trance was finally interrupted by my phone ringing oh so loud. . . ii look down at it & it says "Dante"; ii answered the phone & all ii cud do was begin to cry. & ii told him to call my house & tell sum1 to come get me from cabrillo aquarium lyke now. we hung up & ii just needed to talk to my big brother. ii was trippin out. just needed to hear Keith. so ii called home, but ma mere answered so ii hung up. ii went back into a trance but it was a cold numbness that overcame my body. ii cud feel tears coming down my face, but ii couldn't blink. ii couldn't move. ii just was curled up in my driver's seat looking into the sky out of my window. next thyng ii knew ii was in my mom's passenger seat in thee driveway of the house. ii guezz she came & got me. then my brother-n-law and sis followed her back to the house with him driving my car. smh ii don't even understand. ii just wanted to go. just wanted it all to be over. it was so weird. all the memories are just in sections like none of them go together. but ii finally realized as my sister was talking to meeh as ii layed on my bed what set me off initially. . . ii had gone up to ucla for nneks' cultural show. & ii just remember my stomach starting to hurt like cramps [tho it wasn't any type of cramp apparently]. & ii told nneks ii had to leave cuz it was hurting so bad. ii got into my car & was leaving & as ii drove through campus ii just cried. cried so hard. shyt just didn't go the way ii planned or ever expected it to. then ii stopped thynking about all of that once ii got to ola's party in DA but afterwards, everything just hit me all at once. & ii couldn't control my feelings or my mind. iive lost my mind. it's def official.

tho everything is still fukked up & just going wrong. ii gotta find this crap. ii just have to. gotta get myself together mayne. this is ridiculous. but ii can't even sit here and say iim thankful to be here cuz that would be a lie. but that's just it. . . what kind of thought is that?!? smh gotta do something. just have to.

chercher mon âme...
_kii_

on mutability

"we rest; a dream has power to poison sleep.

we rise; one wand'ring thought pollutes the day.
we feel, conceive, or reason; laugh, or weep,
embrace fond woe, or cast our cares away;
it is the same: for, be it joy or sorrow,
the path of its departure still is free.
man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow;
naught may endure but mutability!"

beaucoup d'amour...
_kii_

yep

"ii am more than what you bargained for. . .
nuthin less than real!!"

_drizzy_

don't knocc it till you've tried it!

welp iim officially an effin twitter-head now lmao. ii was so against it in thee beginning. but only cuz ii didn't see its purpose & was lyke ummmz BORING/WTF FOR!! however, now ii actually enjoy it & its alwayz anutha good way for meeh to avoid actually doing anythyng ii rilly need to or am supposed to be doing hehe. now if we wuda had this in hs--smh thaa wuda been a hot azz mess. anywho

follow meeh :-]

danger. . . she smashed thee homies!!

tom green is effin hilarious!! mah fav episode thus far

on this day. every year. mah heart weeps.

ii remember it lyke it was yesterday. . .

ii was havin so much fun @ ucla admit day & asp weekend wit danni & niki. then it was tyme to finally go home. got there & no1 was there. it was kynda weird cuz there was alwayz a million pple @ thee house. ii was unpakkin when my phone rang. it was ma mere. she was crying so hard. then she told meeh: "yur brothers were in a car accident & marty didn't make it." ii was just numb. sayd "okay well ill talk to you when you get bacc home." ii juss started walkin around thee house. lyke pacing. then ended up in thee bathroom. & juss collapsed. ii cudn't move.cudn't stop cryin.hysterically. mah big brotha keithie came in thee house & found meeh. was lyke "what's wrong? are you okay?" ii just looked at him. he was lyke "they told you. why wud they tell you over the phone when no1 was here?" & he juss held meeh. . .

ii feel bad cuz its gettin to thee point where ii can't alwayz picture him in my mynd. ii can't make out his voice.

smh its been 4 years. four! it shudn't hurt thee same but it does. it hurts so bad.

gosh ii wish it all had juss been a bad dream !!

[R]est[I]n[P]eace

to mah

big brotha Marty!!