lyfe. . .

most days ii feel lyke iim just not cut out for this thyng called lyfe... today is one of those days. tonight is one of those nites. 

yet then ii let a lil music into my heart and my soul seems to get a piece of peace. . .

thee climb

today has been a very trying day. thee only thyng that helps me get thru these types of days is music. ii have a song for everythyng:: every event good&bad. ii always know exactly what song ii would play at a specific moment throughout my day...

ever since thee hannah montana movie came out & ii saw it [uhhh on my comp in my apt one day lol] ive been IN LOVE with this song... lyke ii never really lyked any of miley cyrus' music but ii lyked thee tv show. then ii heard this song & cudn't stop listening to it or singing it. here are her version in a clip from thee movie & the best cover that ii thynk is out there. enjoy!

intrigued? keep reading -->

gotta juss keep it to myself

ii don't keep thyngs to myself. ii don't keep anythyng bottled in. I'm a depressant so when ii do those thyngs it affects me more than the average person. so ii express myself. ii will tell you exactly how iim feeling in that moment & ii will tell it to thee person it pertains to.

but this...

this ii can't disclose as ii wud lyke to. ii mean ii can say it here cuz who reads my blog anyway? no one lol. but to the pple ii wud normally talk to about thyngs or even juss in a fbook status, ii cannot express myself completely.

my problem is that ii rilly hate it in Riverside! lyke with a passion. today being a prime example of why. & there's nothing ii can do about it. pple here seem so insincere; thee blacc community is not welcoming at all & appear very judgmental; there's nuthin to do; & ii dunno iim juss hella lonely.

intrigued? keep reading -->

iive officially lost my mind [smh]

& ii def need to fynd it ASAP!!

it was saturday nite/sunday morn [ya kno basically n thee am of thee nite]. & ii was driving. got on thee fwy & just couldn't stop driving. on thee 110. then it ended. & iim just still going. it was like ii was possessed or something. ii cudn't c. ii just really remembered being in DA one moment then thee next ii was sitting in front of the ocean by thee cabrillo aquarium. . . smh my azz was gonna drive into the dayum ocean. ii was just so thru. so tired. so ready to go. right as ii began to drive forward my trance was finally interrupted by my phone ringing oh so loud. . . ii look down at it & it says "Dante"; ii answered the phone & all ii cud do was begin to cry. & ii told him to call my house & tell sum1 to come get me from cabrillo aquarium lyke now. we hung up & ii just needed to talk to my big brother. ii was trippin out. just needed to hear Keith. so ii called home, but ma mere answered so ii hung up. ii went back into a trance but it was a cold numbness that overcame my body. ii cud feel tears coming down my face, but ii couldn't blink. ii couldn't move. ii just was curled up in my driver's seat looking into the sky out of my window. next thyng ii knew ii was in my mom's passenger seat in thee driveway of the house. ii guezz she came & got me. then my brother-n-law and sis followed her back to the house with him driving my car. smh ii don't even understand. ii just wanted to go. just wanted it all to be over. it was so weird. all the memories are just in sections like none of them go together. but ii finally realized as my sister was talking to meeh as ii layed on my bed what set me off initially. . . ii had gone up to ucla for nneks' cultural show. & ii just remember my stomach starting to hurt like cramps [tho it wasn't any type of cramp apparently]. & ii told nneks ii had to leave cuz it was hurting so bad. ii got into my car & was leaving & as ii drove through campus ii just cried. cried so hard. shyt just didn't go the way ii planned or ever expected it to. then ii stopped thynking about all of that once ii got to ola's party in DA but afterwards, everything just hit me all at once. & ii couldn't control my feelings or my mind. iive lost my mind. it's def official.

tho everything is still fukked up & just going wrong. ii gotta find this crap. ii just have to. gotta get myself together mayne. this is ridiculous. but ii can't even sit here and say iim thankful to be here cuz that would be a lie. but that's just it. . . what kind of thought is that?!? smh gotta do something. just have to.

chercher mon âme...
_kii_

on this day. every year. mah heart weeps.

ii remember it lyke it was yesterday. . .

ii was havin so much fun @ ucla admit day & asp weekend wit danni & niki. then it was tyme to finally go home. got there & no1 was there. it was kynda weird cuz there was alwayz a million pple @ thee house. ii was unpakkin when my phone rang. it was ma mere. she was crying so hard. then she told meeh: "yur brothers were in a car accident & marty didn't make it." ii was just numb. sayd "okay well ill talk to you when you get bacc home." ii juss started walkin around thee house. lyke pacing. then ended up in thee bathroom. & juss collapsed. ii cudn't move.cudn't stop cryin.hysterically. mah big brotha keithie came in thee house & found meeh. was lyke "what's wrong? are you okay?" ii just looked at him. he was lyke "they told you. why wud they tell you over the phone when no1 was here?" & he juss held meeh. . .

ii feel bad cuz its gettin to thee point where ii can't alwayz picture him in my mynd. ii can't make out his voice.

smh its been 4 years. four! it shudn't hurt thee same but it does. it hurts so bad.

gosh ii wish it all had juss been a bad dream !!

[R]est[I]n[P]eace

to mah

big brotha Marty!!

my mood. . .

sukks azz 2day!!

ugh

my weak week.

--sighz--

sunday. . . ii slept. ii drove. ii slept sum more.

monday. . . ii was woke up. ii was rudely informed. ii cried. ii cried. ii sang at thee top of mah lungs in an empty parking lot in thee 46 degrees rain. panic attack ensued. ii returned.

tuesday. . . ii contemplated. ii debated. ii studied. ii worried. ii was overcome. ii dreamed.

today. wednesday. . . ii cleansed. ii tried. ii fell short. so ii write.

--sigh of relief--

juss can't get a break :-/

iive got the blues. . .

thee ii lost mah phone. looked erywhere. & its nowhere n sight blues.
thee ii hate tmobile & their stupid pseudo insurance coverage blues.
thee ii can't get a new phone cuz ii def don't have $110 to replace it with blues.
thee nothing ever seems to go right blues.
thee dayum ii shuda bet on thee superbowl game so ii cud have sum money blues.
thee why does shyt lyke this have to happen right when iive actually had a good run of happiness blues.
iive got thee effin blues. . .
thee ii have $125 to mah name to last meeh until thee end of march blues.
thee found out when ii called to turn off mah phone thaa ii went over mah minutes blues.
thee ii cant register for spring quarter till this stupid transcript frum el camino [took art n hs] gets to ucr blues.
thee ii can't even call stupid el camino in order to make sure its been sent blues.
iive got thee dayum blues. . .


but now ii can lol cuz iive gotten it out. & iima juss keep it pushin & continue mah hustle
yep yep tho. iive def got thee blues
iive also got so much more tho so ii still :-)

incomplete

ii hate this feeling. this feeling of lakking something. can't stand it!!

whaas worse is thaa its a material possession. ii luv it how ii neva long for material thyngs too much. juss cuz ii have priorities & a lot of those aren't on thee list. but this one thyng. ii feel lyke [n jb's voice hehe]. . . thaa it's sumthin ii can't live w.out. ii mean iive been livin w.out it for a while now. but geeeesh. so ii come across mah blog right & ii read whaa ii have written to describe me. then ii read thee same ish on facebook & realize dayum its lyke lyin!! cuz ii def haven't had a digital camera n whaa seems lyke 4eva now.

sukks lyke a lot! yooh don't even kno. lyke thynkin about it almost brings meeh to tears which is rilly weird. iive alwayz had cameras. ALWAYZ! they were alwayz given to meeh too. @ one point ii def had three different kynd. ii remember one broke @ bruin bash cuz thee stupid whyte pple decided they were gonna try & squish us when TI was performin lyke this was them kynd of concerts smh. all bad. then ii bought mah own for thee 1st tyme ever cuz ii realized how much ii luv'd digi cams & wanted a rilly bomb one. thaa was mah last one :-( & it got stolen [stupid dumb azz pple thaa cant get their own shyt. ii still wanna fade ova thaa shyt. ii mean ii can even actually respect sumbody if they stole it straight from meeh cuz then @ least yur bold. ill give yooh thaa. but mayne if yooh pikkin up shyt while iim n a dayum jumper then theres a prob] anywho haven't had one since. been lost since. cuz ii mean despite whaa many pple lyke to thynk [& even tell meeh when ii let them kno]. kisa is straight up poor. smh & it alwayz comes down to eitha iima buy thee cam ii want... or iima have money to eat for thee month or sumthin. sad tymez. but reality is whaa ii gotta deal with. ii mean ii def wud juss not eat lol if ii wasn't lyke on thee verge of diabetes.


:-/ ii juss feel incomplete :-/
but whaa eva. whaa can ya do

lament :-/

yestaday, ii cried.

ii came home, went straight to mah room, sat on tha edge of mah bed, kicced off mah shoes, unhooked mah bra, & ii had mah self a good cry.

iim tellin yooh,
ii cried until mah nose was runnin all ova tha shyrt ii got @ fashion trend.
ii cried until mah ears were hot.
ii cried until mah head was hurtin so bad... thaa ii cud hardly see tha pile of soiled tissues lyin on tha floor @ mah feet.

ii want yooh to undastand,
ii had mah self a rilly good cry yestaday.

yestaday, ii cried,
for all tha dayz thaa ii was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.
ii cried for all tha dayz, and all tha wayz,
and all tha tymez iii had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected mah Self frum mahself,
only to have it reflected bacc to meeh n tha wayz othas did to me
tha same thyngs ii had already done to mah self.

ii cried for all tha thyngs ii had given, only to have them stolen;
for all tha thyngs ii had asked for thaa had yet to show up;
for all tha thyngs ii had accomplished, only to give them away, to pple n circumstances, which left meeh feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

ii cried bcuz there rilly does come a tyme when tha only thyng left fa yooh to do is cry.

yestaday ii cried.
ii cried bcuz lil boyz get left by their daddies;
and lil gyrlz get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies dont kno whaa to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.

ii cried bcuz mah brotha was a lil boi, and bcuz ii was a lil gyrl, and mah mère was a mommy who didnt kno whaa to do, and bcuz ii wanted mah daddy to be there so badly until ii ached.

yestaday ii cried.

ii cried bcuz ii was hurt... ii cried bcuz ii was hurt.

ii cried bcuz hurt has no place to go
except deeper into tha pain thaa caused it in tha 1st place, and when it gets there, tha hurt wakes yooh up.

ii cried bcuz it was too late... ii cried bcuz it was tyme.

ii cried bcuz mah soul knew thaa ii didnt kno
thaa mah soul knew erythyng ii needed to kno.

ii cried a s0ulful cry yestaday, and it felt so good.

it felt so very, very bad.

in tha midst of mah crying, ii felt freedom coming,
bcuz

yestaday ii cried...
with an agenda.



[iyanla vanzant originally... tweeked by meeh]

inside of meeh

cud yooh buy meeh a day n yur lyfe? when iim wearin tha clothes thaa yooh wear. & cud yooh give meeh yur dymez fa a day? & juss fa one day take mah place. see ma mère says thaa ii am beautiful. & ii am luvly tha way thaa ii am. but if ii am so sweet y wont lyfe juss give meeh whaa yooh have? whaa yooh have. whaa yooh have! or cud ii get away bein yooh fa a day? oh ii wonder if ii can. put meeh n a box fa a lil while. 2morrow take meeh out again. or am ii already as luvly as yooh? r yooh n mah window pane? lookin bacc @ meeh sayin "here ii am. gyrl yur beautiful!!"