get up get out & do sumthin!

I feel as if I have found myself again this year. . .

I have always been one to be extremely involved.  I hate to sit back and complain; I would rather do something to fix anything worth complaining about.  However, in 2005, I lost myself... and have been lost ever since.  I became a person who allowed life to rule me.  Although I have always taken things a bit harder than a "normal" person would, I never allowed it to actually get to me like I have been within these last four-five years.  I refuse to do that any longer.

I have yet to actually find myself completely, but I am finding myself.  And just the fact that I have made a conscious effort to seek this is a huge step towards forward progress.  I am excited for what is to come even though I know the road will be a long, hard journey.

Day 3... 

God my savior,
bring me back to you
and fill my mind with your wisdom.
May I be enriched by my observance of Lent.
Grant this through my Lord Jesus Christ, your Son,
who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,
one God, for ever and ever.

beaucoup d'amour...

learning to be lonely

8:30 n thee am. at UCR. in thee University Lecture Hall 1500. waiting on my 9:10 n thee am bio class to start. figured I'd type. normally I would be on twitter or facebook or BBM'n someone right now. but all that juss seems so uninteresting to me.  I have nuthin to really say in 140 characters. can't put too much on thee fb status cuz then ery1 reads it & ends up having a prob with sumthin ii say. &there's no one to even talk to on BBM. cuz ii mean who even BBM's me anymore? sonny&dulce&jaynaenay... that's prolly about it lol. & no one ever actually reads this so hey here ii am :-P

intrigued? keep reading -->

a piece of me...

as ii sit here watching the new episode of Grey's Anatomy, ii remember to post this draft of a blog entry ii wrote last week. . . 

during grey's there was a scene where ii totally felt lyke ii was seeing myself talking.





& it was crazy because there def was a moment earlier this year when ii found myself saying THIS EXACT SAME THYNG.

 

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phenomenally

one of my favorite poems EVER is Maya Angelou's phenomenal woman! it has been a fav since as far back as ii can remember & ii thynk it fits me very well... ii was reciting it in my head a lil earlier & was lyke "oooooh lemme put this on my blog later." although ii completely forgot to do so, ii was totally just remynded with this RANDOM call from my ex-boyfriend.

ii mean this guy is a wonderful person and ii have no negative feelings toward him; however, you know some pple just aren't meant for each other. And, despite how much maybe ii wanted to be that gyrl for him as well as he for me, it just didn't work out as a we :-/... iim not sad about it or anything. ii juss know thyngs come&go so it's all good. but the conversation [more lyke his monologue with my mini responses] was interesting... it was along thee lines of him wanting me to thynk back to when ii lyked him and trying to discover those feelings again bcuz he still lyked me&all ya kno. sheeesh we've been broken up for prolly over 2 yrs by now ii guezz or maybe just under 2 yrs; iim not completely sure. a while ago ii would have entertained this & bcuz ii do feel lyke he is such a good person ii kynda had a lil thought. tiny thought. miniscule. lol but ii mean some thyngs just are destined to work out. his view towards me in which he was sure to express remynded me of my desire to post this poem...

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apparently iim a security seeker

Once again it's that time of the year people. The time for hearts, red&pink, flowers, candy, bears, balloons... you know all that mushy crap lol. Anywho a lot of people that know me and how much I'm kind of against the whole love thing are always surprised that I LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY! I mean I love hearts [like as a shape]. and pink. and roses. and stuffed animals. hehe all that. Today so many people have been tikkling me. not even just today. like for the past two weeks I swear. It's all been so random. I am so overly amused at how many guys have tried to go out on a date or have expressed interest. Like THEE MOST RANDOM pple ever in life lol. Or old flames or old friends. I don't know I get confused about it all. Then there's those that swear I'm just so into them. HEHEHE I love it & I admire their confidence. but nahhhhhh mah interest definitely only lies one place right now [which is weird.&new.&scary.&luvly all at one time]. def nowhere near being in love though.
oh & with vday come the ads. so I followed a link & it sayd...


Sign: Virgo
You have to feel secure to be in love, and for that to happen, you need a steady, honest partner who has values that are similar to yours and whose feelings are just as deep. If you have to wonder about a partner's roving eye or inability to commit, you will never reach the level of passion that you would with someone who brings you to a more secure place of the mind and heart. You can be critical, but only because you see things not as they are, but in terms of how much better they can be. You are your own harshest critic, and that's when you need a partner with a sense of humor to keep you sane.

It's so awkward to read something & say "hey that's me!" But hey that's me hehe

all smilez

iim lyke extremely happy 2day!!







why?!?


ii have no idea [cuz mah wrist still hurts. mah hair def looks lyke a lion's mane. & ii still have no phone] BUT iim overly pleased hehe. & ii juss love sunny days :-D

its lunch tyme & iim starvin. & ii luv thaa iive gotten this new found passion for cooking. ii used to hate to cook! & didn't even need to bcuz mah big sis or big brotha alwayz did [iim thee babii. yooh gotta luv meeh :-P]. now ii juss absolutely love to do it. iive always lyked watching thee food channel [thaa & cnn are mah fav channels ever. oh & thee box but thaas long gone lol memba thaa channel?] anywho ii juss luv tryin new thyngs out & thee satisfaction of making sumthin yurself & presentation is key as mah big brotha alwayz says. ii alwayz make it look pretty even when iim alone & juss about to eat it anyway. mayne but then sittin down enjoyin it with a glass of wine [!!] is def thee bess... welp yeh iive worked mah self up now. so gotta go make lunch

*beaucoup d'amour*

tha neuron

"sumtymez blyndness fynds meeh. & leads meeh thru ignorance. not allowin us to gain experience. so we become lyfeless. @ otha tymez ii couple with self pity. & walk aimlessly thru reality. so occasionally ii choose to travel alone. but neva fulfill mah possiblilities. so mostly ii attempt to achieve balance. by seeking right knowledge & loving & reviewing. & eventually overstanding those many lessons of mah lyfe..." [floetry]

the human body is particularly fascinating to meeh. the way erythyng flows. its specificity. its continuity. its truly a refined masterpiece. but the human brain... WOWZERS!! thaa is sumthin worth studying. sumthin worth understanding. but can we ever truly undastand these thyngs?!?

it tikkled meeh thaa 2day sum1 attempted to compare the human brain to a computer. ii haha @ thaa bcuz the human brain is so much more complex. it excedes the farthest lengths of the greatest computer ever made. while also lakking the selectivity which the computer is lucky to possess... pple are typically amused @ mah response to when iim asked which super power ii wud lyke to have. ii say the ability to forget. thynk about it. do we have a delete button for our mynds thaa sends unwanted files to a recycle bin where it is stored useless but able to restore or completely discard of @ one's leisure?!? nope. we're stucc with thyngs even those memories we do not wish to keep. & tha harder we try to 4get tha more we rememba. ii stop sumtymez......... & juss thynk how much more happier mah day wud go if ii didnt get these random memories or didnt have to worry about tha smallest thyng remyndin meeh of a... hmmz... [unpleasant] tyme of mah lyfe. as if the baggage is weighing meeh down.


but ii mean they say "yooh live & yooh learn" right?!? ii guezz... thaas juss a optimist way of lookin @ it. learn frum your mistakes. blah blah blah. but whaa if mah mistakes r whaas keepin meeh frum progressing? whaa if ii cant let go of tymez when hard work didnt count for anythyng? whaa if ii cant let go of the pain caused by loss of love? & whaa if thee ultimate betrayal frum those to whom ii owe mah lyfe... or actually juss mah birth... has caused meeh to refrain frum allowing any type of relationships? maybe tha lessons learned frum mah lyfe aren't the "happily ever after" ones longed for...



but then whaa do yooh do? :-/





wellz iima keep lookin fa a pointer & delete button...