hearts were never meant to race

so I'm definitely not an expert on anything and don't consider myself to be. I just comment on things I see and let my opinion be known.  honestly, I don't feel like anyone can be a relationship expert; they're way too complicated and vary tremendously.


I'm not a strong believer in love, especially the way people throw the word around so much now.  I mean I love everyone, but people have been acting as if they're IN love with everyone and that's just ridiculous.  Despite the many times I down talk love, though, I still want to believe that thee real stuff is out there somewhere.  It's probably just waiting on many people to just get it together lol.  Recently, I've experienced an enormous amount of situations in which females have been doing thee worst things to do when involved with someone and trying to keep them around while still trying to keep your own sanity.


When speaking of me in relationships, people tend to claim I have a "nigga mentality" and if that's what they choose to call it then so be it.  I just feel as if I have a Kisa mentality and I know what's best for me and I'm always looking out for number one.  However, it's not on any selfish type anything, but I do not think that you can be happy with anyone else if you're not happy with yourself and you cannot expect someone to express love to you if you don't have it towards yourself already.  I'm not going to base my self devotion on another...that's between me, myself, & I!


I just sit back and observe... why do [select] females think that forcing someone to be with them or to say the words "I Love You" means that the other truly feels that way? Personally, I don't want to be with anyone before we're both ready to be together. I can "talk" to someone for a long time and be satisfied with just that as I do not believe a title is a force field keeping people from doing what they want to do. I cannot even express how many people wondered why me and [him] weren't boyfriend and girlfriend... uhhhh because I'm grown! This is not high school when you meet someone, talk on the phone for a couple weeks, then are with them. Then a month later you're in love. GTFOH! Now that we're on thee level to be we are. I just always like to make sure that everyone involved is ready. Especially because I take betrayal very seriously. 
I've only said I love you to one guy in my dating lifetime [in high sschool *insert eye roll here* lol] and that was because he said it first. Isn't that the most awkward situation? What do you even say to something like that? especially when the other person is waiting for a response. C'mon now! and I'm sick of people I know getting hurt over it because they rushed a dude into saying it or being with them then wonder why he's out doing him. I need time to do me. I gotta get thee "single-ness" out of my system before I settle down, and I would prefer the male do the same. So the process cannot be rushed.


Why do [select] females think that just because you have a baby by him he's going to magically change over night?  You're so upset over things you knew he was doing before.  A baby is not going to automatically change that and make the guy want to be with just you forever now.  Nope; now he's just going to do what he was doing and either love or leave his child.  Your relationship with him is not always affected.  I just wish these women knew their worth and realized that having a child to keep a man is just going about things all the wrong way.


WHY do people air all of their business over facebook and twitter?  Some things are not meant for everyone to know.  and the ones that do this are always the main ones speaking on how "ni99az aint shyt" and telling how much of a dog this man is, but the next day "I love [so&so]"... then wanna get upset with me cuz I don't fux with their significant other anymore. *insert confused face* I mean I could have sworn that was dude that just hit you?  Oh so that's not the one you told me got another girl preggers at the same time as you?  Excuse me for not being so quick to forgive.  BUT if you didn't let the entire world know everything at every moment, maybe you would save this from even happening and won't have to be upset with me [the one looking out for you since you're not].


& please please please CUT OUT THEE CRAZINESS!  waiting around for him to come home, searching around for him, calling nonstop... honestly, when I don't want to be found, I won't be found, and I'm sure it is the same way for that man.  Go out with your friends! Do you. Please yourself if he's not.


We're all far from perfect; we all have strengths and weaknesses; we all struggle.  I just want so much more for my friends and those i associate with.  Mostly because I always want more for myself, and I refuse to let anyone steal any pieces of me or my peace of mind.  I wish you all could see yourself thee way I see you... then maybe you would realize you deserve more than you're allowing yourself to have.  Stop trying to rush everything.  Rushed projects never turn out better than the ones you take your time on, perfect, and mold into something just right.  Something you can hold onto for a long period of time, cherish, and expect to last.

just a thought

suicide is easy. death is painless. it's living that's really hard to do & takes thee most courage. but mayne overcoming and succeeding, when at a point all hope was lost, is thee best feeling ever... welp back to studying! 

"Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall declare your praise!"

...[pet peeves]...

Welp I'm sitting here in thee library about to try to study, but I feel like I cannot just yet because I NEEDED to get some thyngs off my chest :- ]

therefore,
                ii hate. . .

• unorganization
• dirty kitchens
• when pple use thee word conversate — thee only time I ever can deal with it is when Tupac said it in "Toss It Up" lol
• when guys take pictures of their waves — ii mean no one cares how far along you are in your murphy's grease process
• guys that try to make everyone feel bad for them & put out a big sob story everyday — not attractive!
• when my nail breaks at thee most inopportune time
• that this random chick really just left her macbook pro sitting here next to me and I can't take it lol
• liars — juss be real!
• Nicki Minaj's raps — LOVE her style [hate pple tryna bite it]. like do you gyrl. & def thynk if she had sumthin to actually say that made sense her rapping would be BAHM cuz thee way she delivers is great. but NOPE; all ignorance
• thee lady that comes over thee intercom in science library every two secs when they're closing — WE GET IT! we know what tyme you close sheeesh
• that [he] likes to get that wakka flokka bullshyt song stukk in my head
• skool and thee pressures that come along with it — man I remember when I used to like this thyng... distant memory now
• farmville!
• that I can't just sit out and tan everyday — life would be great lol
• how everyone thinks they're Gandhi now on fb sending out "words of wisdom" — some just need to GTFOH
• that new lady gaga & beyonce video — COONERY!
  

intrigued? keep reading -->

NEDAwareness Week

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week so I figured that I would mention it so you all could be aware... I feel like it's something everyone should be aware of.  And it hits home with me because I've been there and done that on both ends of the eating disorder spectrum [which I don't think I've ever actually voiced outside my mind until right now].  This is why dieting was never an option to me because I felt like it would turn into an eating disorder all over again.  So this whole diet inspired by Lent is definitely a challenge each day, but I'm working through it :-)

Anywho if you want to learn more about the disorders or about the awareness week you can go to the NEDA website and read up about it.  I encourage everyone to do so.

welp back to studying pour moi... have a great day!

beaucoup d'amour...

don't knocc it till you've tried it!

welp iim officially an effin twitter-head now lmao. ii was so against it in thee beginning. but only cuz ii didn't see its purpose & was lyke ummmz BORING/WTF FOR!! however, now ii actually enjoy it & its alwayz anutha good way for meeh to avoid actually doing anythyng ii rilly need to or am supposed to be doing hehe. now if we wuda had this in hs--smh thaa wuda been a hot azz mess. anywho

follow meeh :-]

so why didnt any1 tell meeh?!?

that Drake was frikkin Aubrey Graham frum degrassi!!

its jimmy!!!

hahaha ii was super shokked to fynd this out 2day especially while ii was bumpin "so far gone" in Envy [oh yeh thaas mah car's name]. anywho yeh ii def didn't kno thaa tho. . . had to hit up mah homeboi devea & double chekk thee info cuz he's always up on his hip hop game & usually updates meeh on myne. but he's talkin bout "ii cuda sworn ii told you" iim lyke "no fool! you juss told meeh to listen to thee mixtape." geeeeeesh! its prolly bess thaa ii didn't kno b4hand tho cuz ii wuda went into thee music with a preconceived notion about him as bein sumwhaa corny. but now ii can actually appreciate thee songs [which ii def have grown to lyke] & be lyke "wowzers thaas jimmy's azz. get em!!" hehe. now ii juss need to see him perform live so ii can rilly link it all 2getha

ummmz swag any1?

ii fynd mah self bored in thee midst of studying for mah chemistry final thaas on thee upcoming wednesday. so ii take whaa ii lyke to call a "technology break": checc a few emails. do thee facebook thyng [tried to have an open mynd. but now hate thee new look]. answer sum aims. read sum away msgs. . . & a thought comes to mynd

ii dunno why but it juss seems lyke ery1 is tryin too hard nowadays. ery1 wants to be different than ery1 else & they're tryna establish this "swag" to set them apart frum others. in mah opinion, every1's tryin so hard to be different thaa they're all endin up lookin thee dayum same. iive tried to define meeh. but ii tend to get stukk a lot. bcuz at thee bess tymez ii juss dunno who ii am or whaa ii truly want. & ii thynk thaas great! thee beauty of thee search. lyke ii get to discover mah self everyday. mah lykes.dislykes.whaa makes meeh happy.whaa makes meeh laugh.who can put a smile on mah face.mah persona.mah goals n lyfe.mah inspirations. it kynda excites meeh to kno thaa ii can change or ii can remain thee same.

this swag thyng kills meeh tho. every1 has this same demeanor. & every1's statuses or aways juss consist of a dayum lyric from lyke lil wayne or drake. ummmz isn't thaa their swag & not yurs then? & if ery1 is usin these same lyrics how are yooh settin yurself apart frum them? then all these pple r wearin thee same dayum off thee wall clothes [wit thee skinny jeans & flannel shyrts & crazy colors] ii mean geeeesh!! iim still no fan of a guy's jeans being smaller than myne. if yooh look uncomfortable iim pretty sure yooh r so y do yooh have it on? wont catch meeh in anythyng thaas not feelin good. & ii def condone thee pastel colors esp since iive alwayz worn them however ii still feel lyke yooh cud leave thee purple &mustard skinnys up to meeh. its okay guyz we dont have to match thaa much :-P but ii mean if yooh truly love this look & thaas how yooh feel thaa day then do yooh. ii juss cant cosign for thee 1s doin it juss cuz its in. TATS TOO!! erybody wants a dayum tat now. tats&kids thaas all ii hear about & see. "iim gettin tatted 2day" or "iim preggers AGAIN [wit mah 3rd child & iim only 21]" ii cud go on 4eva so iima juss stop & go finish watchin this darn grey's anatomy ii missed bcuz ii was watchin thee longest college bball game eva [dayum 5 overtymez hehe]

WOWZERS chris brown is def on thee shyt list!

I never even wanted to entertain the Chris Brown & Rihanna incident but, after reading [these documents]which supposedly are the official papers describing what actually occurred between the two of them, I am extremely disgusted! The entire situation is just so sad: on her part as a victim & on his part because he definitely just affected his career in a horrible way with this. RIDICULOUS! Here goes another black man for them to ridicule smh. If he really did ALL of this to her because she was upset about a text message, he needs some extreme help. . . just would have been better for him to have gotten that help before this incident causing a huge media frenzy.

lol ii juss realized ii was writing regularly. . . thaas happens when iim upset or in paper mode

facebook friends?!?

1st off ii thynk its only appropriate for meeh to state how absolutely addicted ii am to facebook. ii don't see it as a bad thyng. ii thynk its good thaa ii lyke to keep in touch with mah friends. thank yooh to facebook for allowing meeh to do so! esp since ii HATE talkin on thee phone. so w.out facebook & aim, ii wud prolly neva talk to any1 ii didnt see eryday or sumthin hehe.

anywho. . . ii feel lyke . . . when yooh request meeh as a friend on facebook & of course ii add yooh bcuz [1] "THAAS MAH DAWG" [2] "hey ii kno yooh! sup (insert name here) :-]" or [3] "yeh ii thynk we've met b4", yooh shud immediately send meeh a comment or sumthin. this does not particularly apply to 1&2 cuz ii prolly talk to yooh a lot regardless or see yooh often. BUT #3 yeh yooh need to send meeh a hi or whaas up. SUMTHIN! thaas juss rude. after ii have been polite enuf to add yooh tho ii don't actually kno yooh too well but kno yooh enuf to be yur fbook friend, yooh cant even say hello. now ii juss have this semi-random person on mah friends list who continuously pops up on mah news feed. ummmmmz yeh not kool! ii mean afta ii realize mah friend request to sum1 has been accepted, ii go say sumthin to em. lyke a hi. or havent seen yooh n a long tyme. geeeesh can ii get a smiley @ least :-P

ii dunno. ii may have to juss start deletin pple afta a lil bit if there's no communication. ii dont want yooh juss lookin at mah pics & facebook stalkin meeh. kynda creepy

WTFlip! die trains die!!

ever since iive moved to riverside there has not been a single nite where thee horn of a train isn't blaring. ummmz it trips meeh out cuz there's def juss as many trains during thee day. . . but NO HORNS! then @ nite when ni99az wanna sleep or chill or sumthin nope nope HOOOONNNKKK! iim so thru with thee dayum horn of thee train. shut thee eff up already GOSH!

*mumbles*stupidazztrainswannawakemeehup&shyt*mumbles*

iim bored to say thee least & ii. . . ii lakk desire

hehe thaa line has juss been in mah mynd this whole tyme iive been in thee library pretendin to study for mah music midterm thaas 2morrow. . . ii dunno why ii alwayz end up havin to take these breaks when iim studyin or doing boring hw but they're def necessary. ii juss can't sit here doing thee same thyng for too long. it kills meeh. it bores meeh. it makes meeh sleepy [which is progressively gettin harder & harder for meeh to avoid at thee tyme]. this is why ii came to thee library [wellz thaa & mah roommates were being way too loud fa meeh to study effectively]. whaas crazy is ii def took an almost 2 hr nap 2day yet iim still tired. all frikkin bad!! but mayne ii juss wanna go to sleep so bad hehe. ii luv sleep!! & ii barely get it so its alwayz juss thee bess when ii actually do. . . BLAH BLAH BLAH. RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE. . . ii kno. ii kno. welp guezz ii shud try to get bacc to thee "studyin"

wheels on heels

so iim roamin & ii come across these heels. . . random. interesting. hott. juss plain ole sikk!

mikey rokks!!

so why do ii def absolutely [heart] this rapper?!? lmao luv thee group [thee music is great.thee beats r sikkkk!] & he's juss so adorable


cool kids!! whooooooo
hehe

♥ kii

incomplete

ii hate this feeling. this feeling of lakking something. can't stand it!!

whaas worse is thaa its a material possession. ii luv it how ii neva long for material thyngs too much. juss cuz ii have priorities & a lot of those aren't on thee list. but this one thyng. ii feel lyke [n jb's voice hehe]. . . thaa it's sumthin ii can't live w.out. ii mean iive been livin w.out it for a while now. but geeeesh. so ii come across mah blog right & ii read whaa ii have written to describe me. then ii read thee same ish on facebook & realize dayum its lyke lyin!! cuz ii def haven't had a digital camera n whaa seems lyke 4eva now.

sukks lyke a lot! yooh don't even kno. lyke thynkin about it almost brings meeh to tears which is rilly weird. iive alwayz had cameras. ALWAYZ! they were alwayz given to meeh too. @ one point ii def had three different kynd. ii remember one broke @ bruin bash cuz thee stupid whyte pple decided they were gonna try & squish us when TI was performin lyke this was them kynd of concerts smh. all bad. then ii bought mah own for thee 1st tyme ever cuz ii realized how much ii luv'd digi cams & wanted a rilly bomb one. thaa was mah last one :-( & it got stolen [stupid dumb azz pple thaa cant get their own shyt. ii still wanna fade ova thaa shyt. ii mean ii can even actually respect sumbody if they stole it straight from meeh cuz then @ least yur bold. ill give yooh thaa. but mayne if yooh pikkin up shyt while iim n a dayum jumper then theres a prob] anywho haven't had one since. been lost since. cuz ii mean despite whaa many pple lyke to thynk [& even tell meeh when ii let them kno]. kisa is straight up poor. smh & it alwayz comes down to eitha iima buy thee cam ii want... or iima have money to eat for thee month or sumthin. sad tymez. but reality is whaa ii gotta deal with. ii mean ii def wud juss not eat lol if ii wasn't lyke on thee verge of diabetes.


:-/ ii juss feel incomplete :-/
but whaa eva. whaa can ya do